On the health front, it was becoming evident that my body was giving up. My feet were in pain daily, to the point where I could barely walk when I got up in the morning. My knee and ankle, both of which I’ve injured repeatedly over the years, were constantly sore and lacking the muscle support I need to constantly work on to keep them stable. My frame, all nearly 6 feet of it, was starting to have trouble supporting everything I piled on it. Even with this, though, it felt like trying to hold back the ocean if I tried to change anything. So far gone, what was the point? How would I even start, when I knew I’d probably fail?

Enter the most bizarre set of circumstances, which somehow found me captaining a glee club on reality television (Thank-you, Heather!). In this surreal environment, I encountered the dynamic force of nature which was our artistic team – Sharron and Christian. Sharron told me I was good enough, and Christian told me (with telling looks alone) that I needed to work harder. Somehow, though neither I nor anyone else had gotten that through before, those two got it through my skull. I both owed and deserved more to/from the body I was given.

Note: My family is endlessly grateful to the editors for keeping (and subtitling) the line, “I don’t want to be the weak link.” (seriously, they’ll get years of mileage out of that thing)

I’ve lost 40lbs. This is about a third of what I need to drop, overall. There is still a long, tough way to go, working against complacency and distance from that scary starting point. But it’s a hell of a feeling so far. I can see my collar bone again, which is always a bonus. I get little boosts along the way, too (like when the show finally aired and Christian said that if I couldn’t make it through 5 minutes etc.; I cursed at the TV screen and said, “Watch me!” and went to the gym). I went to New Orleans this summer, and instead of melting and dying and complaining about walking 20 blocks in 45 degree heat with 100% humidity, I wore a cute sundress and eschewed the cab because I could.

I’m cutting my hair tonight, something I’d avoided for several years because my face had become too round to pull it off. I’m cutting off the length and all its held memories of exhaustion and embarrassment and laziness. Also, it will look cute – I intend to see to it.

Farewell, fair hair!

‘Perceived as’ is the key phrase here. One of my recent realizations is that I’ve lived almost my entire life, not just the adult bits, with the largest part of my consideration fixed on how people will perceive me. My initial reaction, as a reasonably intelligent woman, was to tell myself that I ought to fix that – that I should live my life for myself, and not care what others think. I am my own woman, right?

But here’s the rub – my career’s all about setting attainable goals. That is, goals that provide a significant challenge, but still fall within the scope of what I could realistically potentially achieve. Out of that came the determination that, rather than work against something that is so ingrained in my basic make-up, I could work with it – use it to my advantage, to create a future and a self that I wanted, by activating that inborn desire to please in a positive manner.

Nature versus nurture’s all well and good, but I can’t accept that I don’t get a say in this whole thing.

It’s far more fashionable to demurely state one’s failings than it is to confidently own up to their strengths. On that theme, I’m perfectly capable of rattling off a list of my less attractive qualities, all stoic and such. But when it comes to virtues, there’s a deep discomfort; a deep and honest belief that anyone within earshot will write me off as a braggart.

I am not, at present, the kind of person I’d admire. That’s an uncomfortable thing to realize at 25, when I’m supposed to be a grown-up; a contributing member of society. I’m not a bad person – let’s just say I’m mostly inoffensive. This was not, believe it or not, my life’s goal…to be a sort of human equivalent of oatmeal (for the record: I like oatmeal, and I wish Quaker would sell the cinnamon spice flavour outside of the mixed box). However, (my mom says) I’ve always been a late bloomer.

I admire people who strike up a conversation in line for coffee without feeling awkward. I admire people who smile on the street, look people in the eye and wilfully ignore the kind of tunnel vision we’re somehow expected to have as urbanites. I admire people who don’t put off painting their toenails for a week before getting around to it, and who file their papers away neatly. I admire people who are energetic at the end of the workday, who don’t jump to conclusions and who withhold judgment, who are simply themselves regardless of situation or company.

To be clear: I do think I have admirable traits. I’m an optimist. My preference for consuming music on vinyl, my fine sense of the ridiculous and my stubborn determination to believe the best of people are good things, I think. The point here isn’t to talk about how I’m a wasteful sack of skin (ew). I’m just sort of basking in awareness – it’s fresh, and feels nice.

I’ve got these lofty hopes that being consistently aware of the whole concept will somehow translate into an evolution in that direction. I’m in the enviable position of having it good, life-wise, right now. To me, that’s the time to strive to better myself, rather than when I’m occupied in scraping myself off of some catastrophe (which is inevitable, this being life). To my mind, it’s the first ball I need to get rolling in my whole ‘community’ objective – more on that to come.

The first day of Radvent was dedicated to Remembering, which I missed, but I’ll try to be mindful to make up for it. Today’s (well, yesterday’s by the time I’m posting this, because I forgot to hit publish before passing out last night) theme is Organizing! Goody, my favourite! …I can actually say that with no trace of sarcasm, for the record.

Since I’m a little late in the game, and didn’t come across Radvent until this evening, I’m counting list-making as an act of organization for the sake of participation. Today, as part of our departmental off-site (which included lunch and mani-pedis…don’t you wish you worked where I do?), we started on our lists of 101 Life Goals. It’s an exercise everyone in the company is supposed to do, with the idea of eventually sharing the list and, by virtue of putting them out there to the universe, starting the ball rolling on achieving them. So, I’m dual-purposing it and using that as my first act of Radvent.

The list itself is interesting – it appeals to the obsessive list-maker in me, obviously, but I never thought it would be so hard to come up with a hundred things I wanted to achieve in my life, at least in a concrete way I could write down. I guess I’m better at imagining themes for my future. Once the list is done, I think I’ll add another tab beneath my <30 list and put them all in there.

All in all, December’s off to a pretty good start. Work’s going smoothly, I’ve got a ton of days off this month and I’ve already popped out two days of my Lindt calendar. We decorated on the first, are decorating  my parents’ house and going to an annual Christmas party on Saturday and are hosting a cookie exchange next weekend…which, of course, I’ve yet to decide what I’m making for.

One thing, though: anyone have any ideas what I might want for Christmas? I’m being poked from all angles for a list, and have no ideas that don’t come from Etsy or involve extensive hunting through home stores. Ideas?

I joke to Alex that I should have been careful what I wished for after a jam-packed weekend that left me little time to recharge – reunion dress shopping and birthdays and pumpkin patches…oh my! Silly me, I thought that this was my reminder that no, my life is not boring, and also that I appreciate the lulls that give me time to think and recharge. But oh, just wait…

Into work I come Monday morning, expecting to need to book my hotel in Toronto, where I’ll be for work for the weekend. Nice, tidily planned, fly-in, fly-out, work and meet some extended family for dinner. Then the reason I was going to Toronto got canceled…and I was being sent to New Jersey. Okay, alright, I can do that – planning now, and what comes up but another shoot in Massachusetts? Well, since I’m already on the east coast…and so on.

Result: I fly into Newark, NJ, on Friday evening, work Saturday, take the train Sunday morning down to Providence, RI. Get in in the afternoon, wander for a couple of hours. Work Monday, take the train on Tuesday up to New York City (as I wouldn’t make it back to Newark in time for the one flight per day West Jet flies out of there, and given the choice between Newark and NYC for an afternoon and a morning…I pick NYC. Shockingly.) Take the train at noon on Wednesday from Penn Station in NYC to the Newark airport, fly home (another 2 hour layover in Calgary), get in at 11:45pm PST. Back to work Thursday, two days before we launch the biggest project of my fledgling career.

I’m excited at the same time as being terrified – something in me is convinced I’ll take the wrong train or something, ending up completely lost in some random spot on the east coast. It’s the first time I’ve traveled for business, first time I’ve traveled alone since I was 16. Can’t wait to see New England in October, and to wander around NYC for a few hours. I’m working on having the excitement out-balance the fear.

In any case, remind me to never, ever complain that my life is boring again.

I, for instance, am a master planner. I make lists and time-lines. I research, take notes, bookmark and daydream. I am admired far and wide for my excellent proficiency with Google. Buuuut…I still haven’t taken the trip to Europe I’ve been planning since I was 18. I haven’t bought a car, or gone to Henley, or gotten in shape, or learned how to do my own damn hair (seriously, I’m helpless with my head suit). So, it seems, I fall squarely into the first camp. And I’m not entirely comfortable with that.

So, fix? I’m thinking, super-short term goals that are LESS specific, if that makes sense. Shrink the planning window, and bump up the ‘doing’ to something more immediate. My idea is to design, in my head, the mundane features of life-as-I’d-like-to-LIVE-it,  then work up from there to the big ticket items. Start with, I dunno…keeping good tea in my desk drawer, and work up to exercising 3-4 times a week. Then saving for that vacation. You see how it goes?

Someone asked me yesterday what I did for fun…and I actually couldn’t answer. I couldn’t think of a single thing beyond reading books and drinking wine. There’s got to be something more to my life than reading, working and planning for the future, right? We shall see!

Building, surrounding me and playing whispering fingertips across my skin, soft to soft.  Comb my hair and twist each curling tendril on a hand made of one thousand gasping breaths.  Rush over my face and cause round cheeks to turn rosy and rosy lips to curve, brushing from temple and under jaw, across the pulse at my throat to pull lightly and restlessly at my collar.  See my face lift to greet you, head thrown back and eyes shut tight.  Feel the long, deep breath drawing you in.  Mingle and merge within me.  You’ve become part of me.  I slowly exhale, and I am part of the wind.

Heh. Anyways, new post pending: life’s been good, though busy!

The funny part is this: I was offered (and accepted) a permanent position on Friday. On Thursday, I was set up for a recommendation for a contract position with another ‘best employer’ company. Friday morning, I was contacted via email by a recruitment firm regarding a PR Specialist position with a global apparel company, and Friday afternoon I got a call requesting a phone interview for a marketing specialist position with a publishing company. When it rains, it pours, eh? I’m so happy to be staying where I am, though – as cliched as it is to say, the culture is such a perfect fit, and my job provides such interesting opportunities.

Now, slightly more worrisome news: I am (or at least my wallet is) in deep, deep trouble. I believe I may be addicted to Etsy treasuries.  My favourites list is growing at an alarming pace, and the worst part is that part of my brain thinks I can actually buy it all at some point (in my defense, none of the items are particularly pricey). I’ve spent, with no exaggeration, hours perusing these things, which refresh with shocking frequency. My (25th!) birthday is coming up on August 10th, so whenever anyone asks what I want, I send them the link – it’s an act of self preservation, methinks.

So, for starters, we’re moving. Far away, down one flight of stairs and across the hallway. To the land of balcony-having. I have said for the past year or so that there would be no reason for us to move before we bought a condo, UNLESS one of the center units on the front of our building (with the giant balconies) became available. Well, about two weeks ago, a little note in the lobby informed us one had, and you can be very sure we snapped that thing up before a single other soul saw the place. For the fist time ever, I gave notice AFTER finding a new place…a very odd, sort of grown-up feeling ’tis. The new landlord is apparently fantastic, and he’s stoked to have tenants who have already been in the building three years (apparently, we are thus deemed reliable).

So now it’s the fun part – tossing as much as I possibly can of what I’m not fond of in our current place, and plotting what I can squeeze into the budget to make the new place awesome. The balcony already does a lot of that work for me, but I’m adding what I can. Like this pillow. It has an owl. Also, a really fantastic turquoise mid-century chair that I’ve not yet taken a picture of, upon which I plan on placing the owl pillow. There will be photo evidence then. Other things, like a real couch (that ISN’T a bed in poor disguise), a charcoal BBQ and some wicked ’70s speakers from the flea market add to the awesome. I am, however, thinking I may need to start an owl count, just to keep myself in check.

In other news, I’m half-heartedly (but determinedly) job hunting again, as my current contract ends September 3rd. There are shockingly few jobs out there that are willing to accept less than five years of experience. Added to which, though I’ve been doing a PR Manager’s job all summer, my title is only PR Coordinator. So I can’t convince them (on my resume alone) that I’m qualified beyond my limited experience.

But, I’m trying to focus on the good over the bad. The now over the then, the possibilities over the concerns and the dream over what I’m concerned could be a rude awakening. Happy thoughts!

It’s pretty neat, this whole ‘employed’ thing. Let’s keep this going, shall we?

Consuming: Grower’s Pear Cider. ‘Tis very refreshing. I am not yet consuming supper, and I’m trying very hard not to think about that. Hungry.

Completing: Some design stuff I couldn’t really do on my work computer. For one, it doesn’t have photoshop. Second, it’s a laptop, which can’t really compare to my giant monitor (raised to perfect ergonomic height).

Thinking: That I never thought I’d willingly arrive at work at 7am, but it happened today. I just keep waking up before my 5:30 alarm, so why not?

Sad about: My groin, which I pulled doing side lunges at bootcamp yesterday. My knee, which is just grumpy about 3 impact-inclusive workouts in one week, for the first time in multiple years (note to self: get referral for MRI, two years late). My measurements, which I took today, and are the largest they’ve been since…ever. But I noted them down. I’ll take them again at the end of the summer, and we’ll see how it compares. I have high hopes, and I think bootcamp might just support those. Might need to hunt down my knee brace just in case.

Also, the fact that my job will likely get awesomer as time goes on, and as time goes on, I get ever closer to my contract end date of September 3rd. I just hope to heaven that I’m not spoiled after this!

Happy about: Getting to pitch international media (even if it’s just email). Being part of a team doing pretty cool things. The awesome hotel I booked for PAX. The possibility of doing an Oliver wine tasting tour later this month. The fact that Alex will be home soon to cook dinner (hungry!). Also, reading my notes.

See, I have two notes. One written to me by my cousin, maybe eight or so years ago, and one written by a classmate almost a year and a half ago. They were both written to me at times where I was being too hard on myself, and they both painted me in a much better light than I’m often able to see. I’ve only ever received two notes of this nature, and I keep both of them. I rarely pull them out to read, but when I do, I need it, and they put me back on track. So thanks to those two people.

Overall, I’m feeling pretty skippy this evening. Though that could be the Grower’s…

In the spirit of knowing thineself, I’m sketching out a list…a sort of to-do/to-not-do list for the coming week, in an attempt to keep myself focused, solvent and, well, sane. I like lists…no, actually, I ADORE lists, so it should work beautifully!

First, get my caffeine habit under control. Lattes and energy drinks are expensive, and I not only have a cupboard full of tea that Alex acquired from Sbux before he left, I have an old-school Italian espresso maker and a boyfriend willing to learn how to use it (it scares me a little). Í really love the sensory experience of coffee shops, and the baristas who know my name and ask me how my life’s going will be missed, but sacrifices must be made for the time being. Besides, who knows…the old-school contraption might come up a winner!

Next up, I plan on first organizing our ‘cellar’ (read: cupboard), and then making a list of the wines that we’ve specifically stated that we want to pick up. There’s a few from the wine awards, and a few that have just been winners by accidental discovery (Cedar Creek Ehrenfelser, anyone?), but we need to replenish and hold off on drawing from our dwindling supply until we can do so. I don’t want to crack open one of my nice bottles by accident…I almost opened my 2005 Chateau la Tour Blanche just because I was craving something sweet, and that’s just not cool. A) it’s still probably too young, and B) I demand an OCCASION. Thus, two things are required: better organization, and replenishment of my value stock. I can’t really go shopping now, but I CAN plan!

Another item on the agenda: cupcakes. I want to get a few more experimental recipes cranked out before it gets too hot in our apartment to turn on the oven, but I need people willing to take some of them away – the last thing I need in my current sedentary state is dozens of cupcakes screaming to be eaten! (if anyone cares to volunteer, let me know) I’m toying with the idea of some cookies and cream ones, maybe some whiskey-stout chocolate recipe (even though I’m not a big chocolate cake fan, the boy would love me for it), and I’m determined to find a better red velvet, probably with a more traditional icing this time. The mascarpone frosting was rich a delicious, but I missed that tang of cream cheese to contrast the dutch process cocoa. They felt a touch heavy.

A few other odds and ends, including a closet declutter, contacting the temp agency, and a whole bunch of catching up with one of my best friends, who returns from the other side of the planet tomorrow! I’m placing a lot of hope in my lists – this week needs to be more exciting than last, or I may indeed be chatting with Lampy by Thursday.